Wednesday, April 20, 2011

U.S. Crack Down on Online Poker

On Friday, it was reported that the government began a crackdown on major online poker sites Full Tilt Poker, PokerStars and Absolute Poker, charging operators with fraud and money laundering and seizing their websites, effectively ending real money play in the U.S. Below is a letter drafted by an online poker player to the U.S. Government.

Dear The Government,

Over the weekend, after reading an article in the New York Post and repeatedly attempting to sign in to my Full Tilt Poker account, it came to my attention that you have shut down a number of online poker sites.

Kudos to you! Such actions are long overdue! Hopefully some of this info will help your prosecution…

Since joining Full Tilt Poker, I have lost over $8,600 to people I don't even know! Prior to online gambling, I used to partake in a weekly poker match at a friend's house. There, I had a number of options for recouping my losses: uncontrollable sobbing about needing to buy my kid a birthday present, stealing an item of commensurate value, threats of physical violence, etc. But with online gambling, who am I supposed to flash my handgun at in an attempt to get my cash back? No one, that's who!

But now that the U.S. Government has taken up my cause, I am excited at the prospect of finally getting back my $8,600. I heard you're trying to recover nearly $3 billion! Will you be cutting all of us individual checks?? If so, I've included a P.O Box address where you can send mine. If it's not too big of a hassle, I'd appreciate it if you made it out to "CASH."

Want evidence of illegal activity? One time, I went all-in with pocket aces only to be called by an unsuited ace-eight. Even your most novice of player knows I have a 92.1% chance of winning that hand. Somehow, my opponent flopped two 8s and I drew dead the rest of the way. Now that was criminal.

If you need any more details of my bad beats, I have nearly all of them memorized and would be happy to tell you about them for hours on end after as few as two beers.

I'm also happy to see the government tackle this issue from a moral perspective. As you may be able to tell, I've battled a gambling problem most of my life. By cracking down on online gaming, you're helping me help myself. Because God knows I'm not going to take the 5 hour flight to Vegas or the 2 hour bus ride to Atlantic City or the 30 minute train ride to the track or the 30 second walk across the street to play the New York Lotto Quick Draw that runs every 4 minutes!

Oh shit! I just realized it's Tax Day! Christ! Income taxes are so high. If only you guys could find some additional way to increase tax revenue besides bleeding us Average Joes dry! Maybe by legalizing some sort of billion dollar industry and then taxing that? Eh, guess that's silly, huh?

Alright, I'll be looking forward to my share of that $3 bil!!!!! I know what I'm doing with that money: Not going to an underground cock fight!


A Fictional Character I Didn't Bother Naming

source-- U.S. Is Cracking Down on Online Poker | Tosh.0 Blog

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